No second chances

This may be my last entry…

So, I’ve got to admit, I’m a bit freaked out. One of my eyes is a bit shitter at closer than the other so it’s getting a bit dry and gunky which in turn is making my vision a bit blurry but I’m wondering if it’s actually my vision that is getting blurry and not my eye (if you see what I mean). It’s a worrying state of affairs.

I’m doing everything I can to keep my mind off it until my appointment with the stroke unit which will be Tuesday afternoon.

Currently I am on my own in the house. Mrs ChtuIu has gone away for a the night with her Mum and will be back around 9pm tomorrow. When she’s around I suppose I’m a bit calmer but I can’t prevent her from having fun just because my brain has decided to rebel. In fact I told her to go and she really didn’t want to. I don’t want you thinking that she doesn’t care – she really does.

Again, I am able to rationally think myself into a mostly relaxed state but I definitely want someone around me. I can’t help but think the worst – what if? What if I suddenly get worse and can’t use a phone or talk or get someone’s attention? I think the fact that I am blogging right now makes a good argument against that. My condition hasn’t deteriorated at all and, you know what? It’s a question anyone could ask of themselves at any time – what if I stroked out right now? Would you know what to do?

I’m not trying to be scary here but it’s a simple fact – none of us will live forever and we could all go in the blink of an eye.

My Mum died a couple of years ago. She wasn’t an amazingly well person but she got along in her own way. A few years before her passing, she was diagnosed with a cerebral aneurysm which had calcified and wasn’t as dangerous as it could have been but she never really got over it. She worried constantly about what would happen if it just burst one day. What would my Dad do? How would we cope without her? Ironically she was killed by an aneurysm but not the one she expected – she had an aortic aneurysm that hadn’t been noticed or diagnosed and it killed her suddenly and really quickly while she holidayed in France.

My Dad is still grieving but he’s getting on with his life as are my brother, sister and me. Why am I telling this story? It makes me realise that any of us could go at any time so what’s the point in worrying about every little set back. Live your life and take risks, no matter how scary, if you don’t you’ve missed your only chance. Sure, I’m freaked out right now but I’m nor paralysed with fear and I’m sure that whatever it is that’s happened to me, it’ll be minor and I’ll be taking the next big risk really soon.

Thanks for reading, sorry if this was a little depressing, now get out there and enjoy life while you can!


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